Well, as you may or am not have seen on Twitter, I’m feeling rather lonely. To me it takes someone a whole lot of balls to admit when they are lonely.
I’m not alone, don’t get me wrong, there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. And I’m most certainly not alone. I have friends and family around me, but yet I still feel lonely.
In all honesty it’s driving me somewhat mad, and it doesn’t help that the most dreaded time of year is almost upon us.
I normally don’t mind being on my own, and as a child growing up I learned to get used to my own company…years of bullying and being a recluse taught me that. I wish I hadn’t been that was as a child and teenager as its had a negative impact on my life today. I am painfully shy when I am in social situations and prefer to stay in the comfort of my bedroom rather than go out partying. Not a life at all for a 23 year old.
This may be a big fat factor in my issue of being lonely, but it’s something I don’t think friends or family can provide. It’s something more. And I can’t put my finger on it.
It can’t be a partner, cause I am not letting anyone get close to me at the moment, and not because I don’t want them to, I just can’t open up like I used to.
On a different note, I have people trying to fuck my head up, and it’s not fair.
This is the situation. As you know I became single (again), it came down to lack of communication (not on my part may I add) and generally drifted apart. This was a closure in my mind. I was content and happy with a definite end to proceedings as it were. This was fine with me, then one night out of the blue I get a text message, which didn’t help, cause it threw me right back to where I started. I accepted this text message and waited for further correspondence…nothing. I waited, and waited, sent messages, emails, tweets, waited some more. Nothing.
I eventually thought fuck it, I’m not wasting any more of my time. During this period I saw he had family issues, which I offered my condolences, which were ignored.
I had moved on, again. Getting back to being content, but yet constantly being reminded of him, normally by people asking me about him, mentioning him in conversation, or generally referring to me as “*******’s boyfriend”
I went away a the weekend just gone to have some photos done with a friend/photographer who is based a few miles away from my ex. Now I don’t know how the hell he knew I was in the area, it can’t have been via Twitter as he hasn’t paid any attention to it for 87 days (and the rest before we split), so that puzzled me. But the text he sent me while I was out with my friend, that was the icing on the cake.
It went along the lines of telling me which bus went nearest to him, how far away it was and if I wanted an explanation I should go round and stay at his the night while he tells me. I was happy to hear am explanation, cause I do believe that I deserve one. However, I did not know where I was going, I had no money to get there and I wasn’t going to risk going to the middle of nowhere to talk to him with the possibility of us arguing and me the being stranded. I sorry but that’s not happening. Especially when I get the text message at 11:30pm (approx)
I then suggested that we meet up the day after, for a coffee in the town where I was staying, which he knows well…to have this text ignored, and the next one. I gave up after that. Well and truly wound up I went home to my friends.
The day after, no response. Now I know it sounds desperate of me, but it’s taken far too log to get in contact with no remote explanation or anything. And it can’t be blamed on the family issues as the communication on twitter to his friends on there has not ceased nor have they been ignored.
My only opinions on it are;
A) there is no explanation or if there was it was to important and it was a ploy to annoy me.
B) he is too scared to tell me, which would account for the 87 day (I think that’s the amount) of no communication. In which case grow some bollocks and tell me. I stood by him long enough for him to know that I’d support him and help him if he needed it and if I could provide it
C) it’s something that already is or will effect me quite badly or seriously, and if this is the case, I am demanding to know as I think i deserve to know.
Now tell me if im being unreasonable on this, because I’m being ignored after he messaged me offering an explanation and cause I couldn’t get there then and do as he said, it seems to me the toys have been well and truly thrown out the pram.
Either that or a large quantity of alcohol had passed his lips before this text was sent.
So yes, aside from being head-fucked like so…I am rather lonely and need a hug.
From the one and only Mr. insensitive himself
Kieron Knight
XxXxXxX
PS if I don’t put anything up before Christmas and New Year, have a good holiday season and be safe. Be good and if you can’t, be good at it
X
I understand a great deal of what you’re going through.
I have had many of my attempts at a relationship end over text messaging. To the point that in some blog posts, I’ve called text messages and Twitter as “Big Tools Of Cowards”. And most recently, his drinking has played a part as well as what cause things to fall apart. This has led me to have unanswered questions that I feel he needs to answer, and it has caused me to lash out in various way. In fact, my most recent post about bullying comes from me talking about that very person in the wrong place. After all I was put through, it wasn’t bullying, it was just like you are feeling, venting because you’re frustrated by the unanswered questions.
Well, I know I have said this to you before, that it is easier said than done, but the way to move on is to realize that his lost will at some point be somebody’s else gain. But for now, use this time alone to grow stronger, and don’t let his lack of appreciation wear you down.
MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR
BIG XOXOXOXO
LeNair
kieron, it seems to me that you have low self esteem, which is related to your lack of confidence. this also enables you to be manipulated and you have lost the power in your recent relationship. perhaps you want another to take control?, or your lack of confidence leads to your powerlessness. you would benefit from counselling to sort out some assertiveness skills for social situations and relationships. other issues may be more deep seated and will need deeper resolution. they maybe the barrier to your confidence issues and explain your exhibitionist traits, which are over compensating for your feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. seek professional help mate as a starting point and get help to make anew start for 2012. it could change your life for the better
just to prove i am not a total psych geek, happy xmas and very best wishes for a much better 2012.
mikexxxx